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  • Writer's picturemaggiehsmith07

Foodball


Today I FINALLY remembered to schlep the bag of expensive canned food we’d purchased for Elliot to the donation bin at Petco. There were full trays of pet food in there and my initial thought was, “Ohhh. Maybe other people’s pets died?” And my next, more realistic thought was that there are probably just generous people out there which is a nice thought unless you’re donating food because your cat died.

Following the vet’s inquiry as to whether Dexy has “always been greasy and unkempt?”, I’ve stepped up my cat grooming game. I mean, if she’s not going to do it, someone should. Weirdly, I saw her groom her sister in a super gross fashion, according to the interweb’s, indicates “bonding and affection”. If you’re going to lick your sister THERE, you should at least put a little spit shine on yourself. The good news is that Lola did not scratch her eyes out so maybe they are pals again? You can never be too sure so I have booked a phone consult with the pet psychic – because clearly, I am batshit crazy.

But back to Dex. I ordered a special brush and a special comb along with cat fur detangler. The comb worked wonders. If I turn on the sink so Dex can drink the running water, she let me do almost anything. So her fur was looking fab. Well. Fab-ish. It was looking kind of flaky with dandruff. Good news – they have no rinse cat shampoo. So tonight, before the NFL draft descended upon our home, I scrubbed Dexy up with coconut, lime, verbena scented shampoo. Then I fluffed her up a little. I haven’t seen her dry yet so hopefully, she looks less flaky

Gross

Here’s where I begin to write about something else to minimize my cat lady vibe (too late). Let’s talk sporty sport sports. The fantasy football draft is being held at our home for the 3rd year in a row. I almost typed “foodball” which seems like it would be more fun. We got up early to tidy up a little so we don’t look unkempt like Dex.

Here are my observations about the draft based on 3 consecutive years…

  1. Andrea gets bossy. It’s true. For the people who log in from afar, you are really missing out. I bought her a big beer mug that proclaims her the “NFL Fantasy Football Draft League Commissioner” and I think it’s gone to her head. The title I mean, not the beer.

  2. There is always a gd technology problem no matter what.

  3. If I ever played, which I won’t, I would pick people based solely on their name and how fun it could be to scream at my TV. If I gave enough of a shit to scream at my TV. Or if I knew what the hell was going on to scream at it. Anyway. Names like JuJu Smith-Schuster. “C’mon JUJU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Or Darnell Savage Jr. I’d say, “Darnell.” In a terrible southern accent because it seems to lend itself to that nicely. Try it at home. I’ll wait. There. Wasn’t that fun?! And Savage is just the perfect last name. You could stretch it out and say it in a deep, ominous voice. Soon Andrea will read this and get misty eyed over my football player knowledge. Let's not tell her I can Google.

  4. I feel my snack game was not on point this year as it’s been in previous years. I’m the only one who ever eats the gd snacks because this draft shit is SERIOUS. Who the hell has time to eat a goddamn cracker? Me.

I would write more but those snacks won’t eat themselves.


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