This year, I’ve been part of a women’s group led by Catherine Andrews. I’m not entirely sure how I came across Catherine. What I do know, is that I’m grateful I did. Catherine has a well-defined program. Only, I am not a a very good student. I’m haphazard about following the program as it’s laid out. The company of women is worth it and I hear what I need to hear. One of the things I’ve heard about is regulating my nervous system. I heard it again & again. And then again, in different settings. It’s clear that the universe needed me to hear this message because it kept coming up. I once heard Oprah Winfrey say that the universe speaks to us - that it begins to speak in a whisper, then it gets, louder, and eventually, it smacks us upside the head with a 2x4 to get our attention.
One tip I picked up about regulating my nervous system was to turn my phone notifications off. I have figured out how to receive notifications of texts and calls from Andrea, but every one else waits until I notice. This has led me to miss some text responses for weeks, which is a little cringe. Sometimes a lot cringe - depending on the subject. Or I don’t see a text right away. But I’m okay with this for the sake of my nervous system. It’s the price I’m paying for more peace. The red bubbles on my iPhone, demanding my attention have largely been obliterated.
I’ve downloaded an app called Freedom too. You can use this app to essentially block your utilization of other apps - such as Facebook or Instagram. Or whatever app it is that drags you out of the present moment and leads you into a doom scroll spiral. You can, of course, stop the blocking if you are gripped by some inexplicable case of FOMO. Spoiler alert: You’re missing nothing.
I’ve unfollowed people too. It’s as if I’m taking the Marie Kondo approach and applying it to all areas of clutter in my life: Does following this person on social media bring me joy? No? Snooze. Unfollow. Un-“friend”.
Why am I telling you this? Well - some of ya’ll mother fuckers need to regulate your nervous systems. That was said with love but I hope it got your attention. Maybe you’re thinking, “My nervous system is fine, thank you very much.” Okay. Cool, cool.
I wasn’t happy with the outcome of the US presidential election. That’s an understatement. And it took me weeks to process where we are and where we are headed. And honestly, who the fuck really knows where we are headed. The first few weeks, post election, my head was loud and crowded with thoughts - not all of them rational. I considered leaving social media but there are parts of social media I genuinely enjoy. I love to watch my friends children and grandchildren grow up. I like to wish the hodge podge assortment of people I’ve connected with well on holidays, sometimes birthdays if I have my shit together the day that happen to have been born. Also, there are times on social media where I am seen by someone in such a way that it reminds me of the scene in It’s a Wonderful Life where George Bailey has returned to Bedford Falls and delightedly exclaims, “Bert! You know me?!” And Bert not only knows George, but he’s been looking all over town for him. Recently, my mom told me about a book she read called, How to Know a Person, by David Brooks. And I’ve begun to listen to it - in it, Brooks talks about being seen & seeing others. So I stay on social media. For you - and for me. I see you. Sometimes, I see you too much in an way that makes me sad, scared, or disappointed. Someone I grew up with pointedly remarked, on Facebook, that before social media, we didn’t (widely) know how people voted. I miss the not knowing. Ignorance is bliss. And social media can rob you of your bliss. Over the years, I’ve dumped people I went to high school with, and family members, for saying shit that’s transphobic or racist or hateful in other ways. Would I have known this about them if we hadn’t been connected on social media?
My mom is 82 and lives in Illinois. She’s been on her own for many years, since my dad died. Arthritis has a hold of her and she walks with a cane. Mom is short and reports, with marvel how people are always willing to help her get something off a tall shelf in a grocery store or hold a heavy door for her. The kindness of strangers takes me by surprise as well. Author David Sedaris wrote about this in a book of his - he describes how when visiting his beach home in North Carolina, Trump flags wave from the back of pickup trucks. Some people cheer as these trucks roll by. Yet David, who’s married to a man, says with confidence that he has no doubt that these people would help him without hesitation if he needed help. This is a confusing dichotomy. One that many people are struggling to understand.
As I attempt to grab onto a sensible thought that was clanging about in my brain, I did some nesting. Cleaning is a way of exerting control - one of the few options where we are truly in control when surrounded by chaos. I came across this card that reads, she conquers fear with love. I was (am) afraid following the election.
In 1957, in his sermon, Loving Your Enemies, Martin Luther King Jr. said, “Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that.”
I know people who voted for Trump. I don’t know why - not yet - because I haven’t been ready to ask. But I will. I want to know. I know they will tell me and I will listen.
Do I believe that most Trump voters cast a vote against marginalized people in a desire to erode their rights? I don’t.
I didn’t vote for Trump for a lot of reasons but one of those reasons is because I think he’s not a kind person. And I’m always going to side with kindness. I’ve worked for mediocre, unkind, white men before and I don’t want to do it again and I certainly don’t want to vote for one to run the country. This sounds simple - and it is, it’s an oversimplified answer.
In July of 1944, Anne Frank wrote:
"I still believe, in spite of everything, that people are truly good at heart". Someone reading this just snorted and said, “Well look what happened to her…” Yes. We all know how the story ends but there were good people, people that Mr. Roger’s mom would describe as the helpers, people like Miep and Jan Gies who hid Anne and her family.
Dr. King also said, hate is too great a burden to bear. I’m fairly certain that hate is going to really do a number on your nervous system. You’ll be deregulated as fuck and that sucks.
It’s Thanksgiving which means many of you are spending time with family - which can also deregulate your nervous system. So I’m going to leave you with this link which has some great tips on how to regulate your nervous system.
If you’re reading this, I’m grateful for you - no matter how you voted or if I don’t talk to you anymore. I see you. I learned something from you. Happy Thanksgiving.
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