Will to Live

I know. It’s been a while. To be honest, at the end of last year, I had to reconnect with my will to live. I don’t write about work here, much, for obvious reasons. But I’ll say this - we had a layoff (not a secret - thank you, Richmond press 🙄) in December. Due to the number of people impacted, there was a 60-day notice period to shepherd people through. By the time the holidays came, I collapsed on the couch - watching Heated Rivalary with Andrea (which I referred to as “the hockey porn show”) and reading books to distract myself from the horrors of life, which are not just limited to work.

Last year, my dentist recommended I have a sleep study. I agreed and then promptly misplaced the paper with the referral. When I went back to the dentist, they asked if I had gotten the sleep study and I had to admit that I’d fully intended to but lost the referral. They dutifully produced another referral. I followed through and learned that I had over 30 “events” an hour where I stop breathing. The doctor’s seemed impressed by this feat in a “how the hell were you functioning? Why isn’t your blood pressure sky high?” And suggested a CPAP machine. I got fitted for one (the mask) and thought, “Eh. I’ll try this but don’t see myself sleeping with a mask on my face.” That was 92-nights ago. I think that years of sleeping like shit seriously eroded my life force. I mean - I got a lot done before but now? Now I’m unstoppable. Really.

January was a comedy of errors at work. Like, a dark comedy. But by February, I could breathe again, and not just when I was sleeping. Philosopher Immanuel Kant said that we need these three grand essentials to happiness: Someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.

I think we also need some fucking vitamin D and sleep but you do you, Kant.

As the days inched towards spring, Andrea and I adulted - trying to bring order to the basement, renewing our passports, filing and paying our taxes (though really, what has the government done for us lately? Exactly). I rolled over 3 old 401k plans into my current one, telling Andrea if I died, this would make things easier. Not that I plan on dying, but who really does?

The clocks recently sprang forward and vitamin d & the will to live are less elusive than they were in the long, dark months of winter. The basement project lurches onward and once that’s done, we can move on to the garage project. Today the weather is nice and we’re doing “outdoorsy shit” - which means Andrea is running around and I’m sitting in a chair hoping she doesn’t come up with ideas that require me leaving the chair I’m writing this from and repeatedly throwing a tennis ball for Harry.

Back in December, Andrea gifted me a kit to use to grow mushrooms. Let me tell you - growing them requires many steps, patience, and consistent heat. Last Saturday, we took a mushroom cultivation class and realized I’d over heated my crop when I shared a pic of my mushrooms to a young mad ‘shroom scientist named Caleb who co-taught the class. I couldn’t understand why the lower part of the bag was still dark - but ran home to look for a tell tale spot of mold at the bottom. Caleb had told me not to throw them away but move them away from the heat. Consistent heat. That’s what mushrooms need. I also have a new light and let me tell you - I predict success. Old me would have tossed the bag and retired my mushroom career before it got off the ground but evolving me chalked it up as learning. The next bag will be flawless. 🍄🍄‍🟫

So - Someone to love? Check.

Something to do? Have it in spades.

Something to hope for? Some people say, “something to look forward to” and I’ve got that covered too.

How ‘bout you? How are you coping with the end of the world as you know it? Are you feeling fine? You’ll feel better if you consider the words of Kant, get some sun, and sleep.