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  • Writer's picturemaggiehsmith07

Insipid Post (Don't say I didn't warn you)

On Monday night, I went to bed with a wheezy tickle in my throat and the next day, I awoke with a cough that reminded me of the asthma I’d long outgrown. Desperation, and, the fact that breathing was a chore, compelled me to go to urgent care where I was forced the indignity of wearing a mask to spare everyone else my germs. Thankfully, my lungs were clear but my wheeziness earned me an inhaler. Andrea left town this week which was a coincidence. But I’m a terrible patient. Honestly, if I had anything more serious than a cold and a cough, I’d be truly unbearable.

My pets are utterly useless – none of them are pitching in to help me in my time of need. One threw a mug off my nightstand and it shattered and another threw up on the rug. I also woke up with a zit on my face that was the size of one of the original 13 colonies. I considered wearing a mask to work but I don’t have one. And a bag would only inhibit my breathing more. None of my pets had shoveled which meant that after I brushed approximately a foot of snow off of my car, I threw it in reverse, gunned it and hoped I’d make it out of the driveway. I had to shovel at the end where the plow had built up but other than that, my tank of a car didn’t let me down (unlike my pets).

When I returned from work tonight, I noticed that NONE of the pets had cleaned up the cat puke I’d simply stepped over on my way out the door this morning. In his defense, Wrigley HAD attempted to help this morning but I thwarted his efforts. GROSS. The grouchiest pet, Elliot, only really likes Andrea but he threw a two-eyed blink in my direction so basically, this means he won’t slice my aching throat in my sleep tonight. So I cleaned up the cat puke and picked up the house a little because in a mere few days since Andrea left, things had devolved rapidly. It was one step up from frat house – no empty beer cans lying around but plenty of seltzer and diet ginger ale empties. Which I consumed with a straw because I’m a classy sicky. A metal straw. Oui, Oui.

I’m working on a big project at work and was on a call with the vendor today who kept saying, “When you get your employees loaded.” And I wanted to bust a gut laughing at this but 1) I would have a coughing fit 2) I really feel humor like that is lost on people. SIGH.

Anyway. This is an admittedly insipid post but to summarize: 1) I’m a terrible patient. 2) My pets are lazy bastards

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