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  • Writer's picturemaggiehsmith07

Weight of Life

Yesterday, as my fight was about to lift off from the O’Hare runway, my cell phone rang. I saw that it was someone from work and immediately assumed it was and news - like an employee had passed away. I texted the person back while reminding myself that was an absurd thought because we just had an employee pass away 2 weeks ago. As a small company, it’s unlikely that we’d lose another employee in short order. It wasn’t until I landed that I learned that we had lost a 2nd employee. When I pulled into work today and exited my car, a baby bunny was sitting behind my car just out of range of cars entering the parking lot or the space I’d pulled into. I looked at it and considered moving it off the pavement. My heart felt so heavy and sad. I left it. I couldn’t bear the weight of the responsibility of this small creature and I didn’t even know what to do. I felt helpless and overwhelmed. I felt the weight of all I was carrying. I should have done something - but what? When I returned to my car after work, the bunny had been relocated to the patch of mulch beside my car and was nestled in - alone. We stared at one another and I said a silent prayer the bunny would make it. Last week, while in Chicago, Beth Israel phoned from their very recognizable number so I quickly answered. They were calling to find out if I would be willing to participate in a research study. This study would require me to undergo a breast MRI prior to my biopsies - which means I will undoubtedly feel as though I’ve wet my pants (again). The results of the MRI would be compared to the contrast mammogram I underwent last week and the study would be looking at which results were ultimately more useful/user friendly to radiologists. Feeling like you’ve peed your pants is a small price to pay for research so I agreed. This means I arrive at the hospital at 730 AM tomorrow to fit this in prior to the 2 biopsies (at 930 AM & 1245 PM). Another small price to pay. Maybe this entire experience is so that I can be of service to someone - unlike how I was with that bunny, unlike how I could be for either of those two employees.

Current images (L) - what is that black hole? Me on far R before surgery to remove complex sclerosing lesion (benign, 2015)

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