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  • Writer's picturemaggiehsmith07

Monkey Farts

I haven’t really been on Facebook since my stay at the bougie hotel earlier this week. I’ll have you know that I survived – even mastering the bedside light! It seemed the fancy toilet automatically flushed – I would leap off of it as if launched like a rocket ship just in case it would spray water at my warmed butt. Turns out that you had to select that option and indicate front, back, oscillating or pulsating. I also

opted not to use the electric mirror, which came with a remote. I’m not fancy.

“You have a soap called Monkey Farts?” Andrea, calling from the bathroom a few weeks ago.

“Yep.” I replied. “It’s for my face.” “Where did you get that?!"

“The interwebs.”

Monkey Farts smells good enough to eat. The soap. I’m sure actual Monkey Farts do not smell like pineapple and coconut. I'm also fairly sure that fancy people do not rub whipped monkey farts on their face.

Fancy peeps – you’re missing out. Use this shit in front of your electric mirrors.

Andrea is away this weekend. We’re off to a great start here. Georgie shot out of the house and into the neighbor’s yard. He’s obsessed with their dog. Or he likes Sweet Caroline. Maybe both. I feel bad because my neighbor didn’t look happy to see Georgie showing up again. I feel like I should gift them something. Maybe a Petco gift card? Or a Neil Diamond album? I don’t know. The good news is the Georgie goes to dog camp on June 21st. I ran into his Petco trainer last night.

“HEY!” She spots me, hiding behind the bags of Hills Science Diet.

“Oh hi!” I enthuse – caught.

“How’s Georgie?”


“Yeah?” She gently presses.

“His new thing is barking out the window. At everything. It’s maddening.” I offer.

“Yeah…” She says sympathetically. “It’s about redirecting. You can thank him, then redirect him.” “Thank him. Yeah. I’ll get right on that. Why didn’t I think of that? Probably because I’m overwhelmed with gratitude THAT SWEET CAROLINE IS MAYBE DROWNING OUT THE GODDAMN BARKING.” Only I don’t say that. I smile because I’m THINKING that and the trainer scampers off to get me a calendar of upcoming classes that my dog will probably tear up and I will thank him and I will mean it.

I'm so fancy You already know I'm in the fast lane

From L.A. to Tokyo I'm so fancy Can't you taste this gold Remember my name, 'bout to blow

Trash the hotel Let's get drunk on the mini bar Make the phone call Feels so good getting what I want, yeah Keep on turning it up Chandelier swinging, we don't give a fuck Film star, yeah I’m deluxe Classic, expensive, you don't get to touch, ow

- Iggy Azalea

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