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  • Writer's picturemaggiehsmith07

Bare Naked Broads!

I thought that I’d be without a holiday Bert-ism this Christmas, but I’m happy to report that is not the case. Just when you thought COVID was going to take one more thing in 2020, The Bertinator came through.

We had called her to wish her a Merry Christmas and thank her for our loot. During the call, I’d wandered out of the living room when Bert said, “You know what I’m getting on my phone when I click Chrome?”

“No - what?” I asked, because I never guess correctly when Bert poses this question and this time would not have been any different.

“Porn!” Bert exclaims.

I laugh so hard that Andrea comes running, “What did I miss?!”

I make mom repeat it since I know my retelling will lack something. Mom obliges.

“Yep. Bare naked broads!” Mom says. Which makes me laugh harder.

“How is this happening?” Andrea slips into problem solving mode and tries to explain what is happening but I know my mom will keep clicking the random Chrome icon that takes her to bare naked broads.

I don’t mind a quiet Christmas - just Andrea and myself. To be honest, I haven’t brushed my hair and I’m shuffling around in my pj’s. When you have guests on a holiday, you should comb your hair and put on real clothing. Quiet Christmas is kinda like when you’re a kid - you get to play with your new toys or read a new book.

While we were assembling something, Andrea looked outside and exclaimed, “Snow!l

I looked and small white flakes whirled out our living room window.

It’s been a cozy time - minus the cat’s tail catching fire. It happened as we wrote out our Christmas cards. I had a balsam fir candle lit & Bogart jumped on the table. One swish of his tail and our eyes bulged at the site of his fur alight. Andrea stamped out the flames with her hand & Bogart seemed offended by the rough treatment.

“Whoa. That went up quick!” Andrea exclaimed. The smell of burnt fur hung in the air. Later, I trimmed the black, matted fur from Bogart’s tail.

Pets and family - these are the characters that make for good stories.

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