I’m Resilient. Right?

This week was one the left me questioning my abilities and resilience. It had me admiring others who I’ve seen lead with resilience. What does that look like? What does grit and mettle look like?

I think it looks unflappable. Face not betraying thoughts and emotion.

It looks like patience.

It feels like warmth, sunshine, and care.

It’s a steady hand on the rudder, navigating choppy waters.

Last night, I asked Andrea if she thought I had what it took to be on my current role. Am I the right person for these people at this company? Human Resources and leadership would be easier if I didn’t care about the people - but, if either of those things were true, I’d have no business doing either.

This week, I spoke with a woman I met through Chief. She’s a coach who talks about resilience and imposter syndrome and saboteurs.  I interviewed her for my book.  This week, I said to her, “I’m resilient.” Only, I think it was more of a question than a statement.  Or like, “I’m resilient. RIGHT?!”

And she pointed out that we have holes and our resilience can leak out. I pictured myself as a vessel - only I’m a colander and I picture my resilience pouring out.

I’m having a hard time.

In Japan, broken objects are often repaired with gold — an art form known as Kintsugi. The artist will mend the areas of breakage with a liquid mixed with gold, silver or platinum, creating a design from the breakage. These breaks in the pottery are viewed  as a unique part of its history. These breaks enhance their beauty. And the art embraces the flaws, rather than conceals them.

In the process of repairing what has been broken, we can create something stronger. We can add to our character. Seal up the colander. But how?  I’m working on the how. I have too. I know I cannot pour from an empty cup. I’m pretty fucking pissed at some of the people who drained the cup. Which is to say I’m pretty fucking pissed at myself for letting them. For letting them turn me into a colander.

Jesus. There are so many metaphors in here - it’s a mess. Anyway. I’m having a hard time.  But I’m resilient.  Right?

Image below by Natalie Franke.