Sitting with Feelings

Yesterday, in my personal email, I received an email from a place that recruits for private equity firms. They had a CEO job and my first thought was, “I should send this to John.”

That thought, “I should send this to John.” comes to mind often - when I see a funny meme. Or when I learned that a 98 year old Mets super fan by the Seymour Weiner that died - I wanted to text John, a Mets fan, to laugh about poor Seymour’s name as if I were a 12 year old boy. Before you think I'm cruel for laughing at a 98-year old man, I’ll have you know that I was not the only one with a 12-year old boy outlook - Seymour took the ribbing good naturedly.

I wanted to call John about a work situation too.

But I can't do any of that because John passed away suddenly on March 25th while training for a triathlon.

I am so grateful I visited John and his wife in Florida in January. I went on a walk with John while in Florida and spied that his heart rate was in the 50s. Honestly - I don't think my heart rate has ever been in the 50s. The point is that John was fit. In shape. He had completed a triathlon in December. He ate healthy. He was my former boss, mentor, and friend.

First Bob died in December, John died in March.

I haven't written - here or really anywhere else. I've been sitting with the feelings. I used to try to drown my feelings but I learned those mother fuckers could gold medal swim.

And somehow, one day at a time, I arrived at 22 years of sobriety in April. I'm here - without Bob or John. I asked Andrea what I’m supposed to be learning from this and she wasn't sure. Perhaps it's a warning to any prospective male mentors - I’m a black widow when it comes to them. Honestly, I don't know what the lesson is - maybe it’s a reminder, rather than a lesson. A reminder to be present, live life to the fullest, and be grateful. A reminder not to sweat the small stuff, to notice things like how the field of rye by our cottage has a blue hue as it bends and waves in the gentle breeze. It’s about facing hard things - and doing them anyway. And? Feeling your feelings, even the shitty ones.

I spent the past year and a half learning how to regulate my nervous system - there are several ways to do this and you just need to remember one of these ways when things are difficult. Just one. At times, this is harder than it sounds.

Rita Mae Brown once said, “Happiness is pretty simple: someone to love, something to do, something to look forward to.” I am grateful I have the first one covered and I’ve been working on the others.

You might put your love and trust on the line

It’s risky, people love to tear that down, let ‘em try

Do it anyway, risk it anyway

If you’re paralyzed by a voice in your head

It’s the standing still that should be scaring you instead

Go on and do it anyway

Do it anyway

There will be times you might leap before you look

There’ll be times you like the cover and that’s precisely why you’ll love the book

Do it anyway, do it anyway

Tell me what I said I’d never do

Tell me what I said I’d never say

Read me off a list of the things that I used to not like but now I think are okay

Sometimes it’s not subjective, wrong and right

Deep down you know it’s downright wrong but you’re invincible tonight

So you, do it anyway

It’s done, you did it

Despite your grand attempts the chips are set to fall

And all the stories you might weave cannot negotiate them all

Do it anyway

Be honest, anyway

So tell me what I said I’d never do

Tell me what I said I’d never say

Read me off a list of the things that I used to not like

But now I think are O-

KAAYYYY, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, woah, woah, woah, woah

It’s gonna be so very hard to say

And watch the trust and joy all drain from her innocent face

But you must, do it anyway

It sucks but, do it anyway

Call it surrender but you know that’s a joke

And the punch line is you were actually never in control

But still, surrender anyway

Tell me what you said you’d never do

Tell me what you said you’d never say

Read me off that list of things

‘Cause I used to not to like you now I think you’re O-

KAAYYYY, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, woah, woah, woah, woah

Everybody knows it, you just gotta do it anyway

Do it anyway, do it anyway, do it anyway, do it anyway, do it anyway, do it anyway, do it anyway, do it any

'Cause you don’t do nothing to avoid some punishment

You won’t do nothing, you won’t do nothing

Gotta do it, do it, do it anyway

Do it anyway

-Ben Folds