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  • Writer's picturemaggiehsmith07

Lesbians in the Wild

Today I dialed into a conference call a few moments before most people.

The hostess of the call complimented me on the photographs of birds I’d taken over the weekend and posted in Facebook.

“Are you becoming a birder, Maggie?” Our regional partner asked.

“Listen. I’m on lockdown and don’t know anyone here. Desperate times.”

“I wasn’t judging.” “COVID has aged me a good 40 years.” I replied while texting him a photo of a blue jay I’d taken the day prior. He later admitted that he too had considered picking up bird watching as a hobby. I laughed and thought to myself, “Well. Really. I’m not too crazy.” Then my new Birds Choice Rocky Mountain birdbath arrived today via UPS and I received confirmation of my certifying our backyard as a wildlife habitat with the National Wildlife Federation. The NWF sent me a flimsy, paper certificate.

"What am I supposed to do with this? Put it in a sheet protector and hang it on a tree?!" I asked while filling out the order form for a "real" sign. One full pitcher from my Vitamix fills the bird bath. It’s not exactly on level ground but that way, they have a shallow end and a deep end. So far, not a single bird has gotten a drink or bathed. Lame. Maybe the "real" sign will help them get the picture? Because let me tell you - the tufted titmouse needs direction. As I opened the door today to step out onto the deck, the bird flew out of the dog's bowl. Listen bub, the "Birds Choice" birdbath is downstairs in the habitat.

Today I drove Andrea to pick up her prescription for her new glasses prescription. Despite of the advertised, in house lab, her new glasses are not on her face. I squinted at her one day, “What is that holding your glasses together?” “Plant wire.”

Why do we have plant wire? No one’s banging out floral designs here. Regardless, thank god we moved it – it’s proved handy for this regard. Meanwhile, Andrea found a pair of prescription sunglasses and she’s been wearing them like one of the three blind mice. As she took a call from our deck, she picked up our call from Lens Crafters back home. It took them a week to call. So – thanks for nothing.

This past weekend, we spent as much time outside as possible – weeding and re-mulching the bird area (I know how this sounds). Hanging some new plants – a Boston Fern and a flowering plant. This did mean we took a non-essential trip to Home Depot, donned in masks.

As we rounded an aisle, I announced, “I saw lesbians!”

“Yes. Remember that you speak louder when you’re wearing a mask.” Andrea murmured.

“OH. Was that loud?” I likely shouted.


When we got back in the car, Andrea told me it was lesbian visibility day.

“Oh, great. See – I was helping with that.” I offered.

When I got home, I checked my email and started laughing.

“Look at this! Is this real?!” I asked shoving my phone at Andrea.

It was a Groupon for “Adult Toys for Lesbian Women”.

“Yes! It’s right above the Smile Direct ad!” Andrea laughed.

Today she shared with me the Living Social email she received for “AdamMale Adult Toys for Men + Mega Sale.”

I’m not sure what’s going on here – maybe our emails are worried amount of bird supplies we’re ordering?

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