This week, work tilted on its axis a bit in that unexpected way that all work (& life) inevitably does & I was left with a new boss and no map or compass to orient myself to the situation. It was as if I had blindly parachuted into a strange land.
Thankfully, I’ve recently had teachers come into my life and I am thankfully for that. To be honest, I’d felt a bit unmoored before this week. Disoriented. Tired - as if finally, the gravity of all things had caught up with me - or caught me. It had been nipping at my heels and finally sunk its teeth into my flesh.
“It” being writing a book and then realizing I was supposed to promote the goddamn thing - a reality I had no interest in. It also being a friend’s shitty diagnosis. And then, then there was (is) Tuesday.
“Why can’t I simply be discovered?” I asked Andrea, referring to my book, more serious than I would like to admit. I day dream about Oprah’s people calling me - or even Glennon Doyle or Brene Brown.
Anyway - it was time to follow the advice that I wrote about in that book. Knowing and doing can be two different things. The coach can need coaching. So I’ve connected with two women that are coaches for me - one who talks about nervous system regulation and the patriarchy - and another who is a nutritionist who realizes there is more to nutrition than food. I had emailed her last weekend because I wasn’t receiving an invite to the Healthie portal she uses & I received her out of office which explained she was on a retreat, “…you have to live it to give it.” Her out of office message read, in part. “Fuck yes.” I thought, the giving is what's worn me down a bit. I've pulled in my oars and am allowing myself to be guided - learning once again to live it.
I met with her for the first time on Friday and sat in her cozy office and thought, “Good for her. She’s not working for the patriarchy.” Which is something I think about more than is healthy. But honestly, if you’re reading this and you work in corporate America, you’re likely busting your ass to make some wealthy white man wealthier. I wrote an entire book and never once typed the P word, because, in part, I want wealthy white guys to continue to hire me because I have a life to support. And yet, I am delighted to share that my new T-shirt from The Bitter Southerner, is going to arrive today.
I'm all too aware that women can be royal douche bags in the workplace. But what’s interesting is I met a female coach (https://www.catherinedandrews.com/ ) who does say the P word, left her corporate job, and works for herself.
Anyway - there I was in this cozy office daydreaming when the nutritionist, Shelly, said she had been at a retreat in western MA.
“Were you at Kripalu?” I ask. Shelly looks surprised I know of Kripalu, and I remind her I used to live in Massachusetts.
“That’s where I’m going next week - Kripalu.” I say.
This is one of many small coincidences that tell me I am right where I’m supposed to be. That, and her love of golden retrievers. She has one of her own. Earlier that same day, I’d met a russet colored golden named, Murphy. Murphy had gently sat on my foot, smiled at me, and looked into my soul with his deep, brown eyes. “Goddammit, Murphy.” I think while rejecting the idea of dog napping him after brief consideration of just that - me, luring him into my Subaru, just brought to me by the hotel valet. Murphy would miss his mom and I’d immediately be caught - ratted out by hotel valet. Sigh. I tell Andrea about Murphy and Shelly’s golden too. This is a mistake. Today at lunch, Andrea points out we’re not getting any younger and I try to meet her logic with my own.
I like Shelly, and not just because she’s been to Kripalu and owns a golden. Things are going well and then she says, “I’m glad you’re looking into strength training. That’s the key to weight loss.” I sigh inwardly - I know this but keep hoping to meet someone who will say, “The key to weight loss is blogging, writing, reading. OH! And getting a golden retriever!” Fine. I’ll call the trainer back on Monday. Andrea and I have Georgie and he loves us. He loves me with a fierce, intensity. But, there is something about a Golden.
With Catherine, I’m learning about nervous system regulation (I already knew about the patriarchy). Which is great because that is what’s been out of whack. I’m glad I met her before Tuesday of this week.
This weekend, we're at the cottage and the rain has been unrelenting. It's as if the universe is supporting my desire for a regulated, balanced, nervous system.
On Friday, my new My Intent bracelet arrived. Just in time for me to let go of the current bracelet that’s adorned my wrist for a year. On more than one occasion, I’ve left the prior years braclet with the large Ganesh on the property.
Ganesh is considered the lord of success and the destroyer of evils and obstacles. He’s a deity - worshiped as the god of education, wisdom, and wealth. So - I leave the bracelet as an offering of sorts.
As I look back at what I just wrote, I imagine someone from my Midwest, Lutheran past reading this - eyes widening in abject horror, misunderstanding this to mean I worship deities. I don’t - but I think there’s power in setting intentions. The universe hears you. The bracelet I’m releasing says, “ENOUGH”. “LIVE IT” is the new bracelet.