“Neurotic to the Bone”

Do you have the time to listen to me whine

About nothing and everything all at once?

I am one of those

Melodramatic fools

Neurotic to the bone -Basket Case, Green Day

Sometimes, I feel this low electric hum of anxiety. It’s like the sound high tension wires make or an electric fence. I can’t really hear it, of course. I can feel it and it feels like that sound. A constant hum.

Often, this feeling is followed by something terrible happening. Then, once the terrible has occurred, the feeling lifts. I realize this sounds crazy - it sounds crazy to me, but it’s happened repeatedly and Andrea has bore witness to it.

This is not to say that this feeling precedes every tragedy. I’m frequently blindsided - it’s like being sideswiped while driving on the highway.

And sometimes, anxiety is just anxiety and you ride it out, white knuckled.  My brain tries to make sense of what I’m feeling by searching every dark corner. Nothing. It comes up empty. I know I’m fortunate - a small pile of what amounts to middle class white girl problems. My rational brain turns on me, “You should just crawl in bed. Also - you’re bad at your job. And friends? You don’t have any friends. You should have done more about that one situation. Spoken up. Maybe you could have made a difference.”

Lies. All lies. Right? Except the voice in my head sounds convincing.

I hope it’s saying something else tomorrow.