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  • Writer's picturemaggiehsmith07

No Exorcism Required

I’ve had a fever on and off again since Tuesday. Just when I think I’m over it, surprise. It’s like the protagonist in a horror film. Worse - I have a sore throat. I wince when I swallow liquid or air.

We were at the cottage last weekend and this began Tuesday. So I secretly began to believe something was wrong with the house - like in a Stephen King novel or Mike Flanagan show. I pictured us having to torch it to drive the demon germs out. Because I got sick the time before I was there. Coincidence or a hex?

I went to urgent care on Wednesday and failed all the tests they threw at me - negative for COVID, strep and the flu. It’s annoying how you have to prove you’re sick. I get it but FFS.

I went back again today - same. But the doctor felt it had moved to bacterial at this point and advise tossing all my toothbrushes. Ah ha. I think the maybe the cottage will not require an exorcism after all - just a new toothbrush. Probably a new dish cloth in the kitchen….easier than an exorcism. My other theory was it was my editor - I’m not letting her off the hook so easy….

Today’s Judy Blume’s 85th birthday. An author of young adult books that I read as a young person because I could read above my grade so my dad gifted them to me. This resulted in a “sofa discussion” where my mom had to explain “getting your period” to me and the cat. Personally, I think Blume could have written a sequel where Margaret Simon is now perimenopausal wondering why she ever wished this upon herself - not realizing that it would show up month after month for over 40 years. I feel Margaret’s perspective likely would have shifted - especially after she saw the price of feminine hygiene products. Imagine if women were paid fairly AND! Instead, we could invest the money we would spend on feminine hygiene products?! I’d be writing this from a yacht.

I feel I need to read that book again - because what does Margaret’s mom say to her? I doubt think it’s anything like, “Be careful what you wish for!”

I think her mom talked about being prepared. Maybe. She should have said, “Be careful what color underwear you select because if you don’t choose wisely, you will think you need an exorcism instead of a feminine hygiene product.” Pro-tip for all the dramatic youngsters out there who have big imaginations!

My throat has reduced my diet to Starbucks Frappuccino’s, Luigi’s Italian Ice’s, and Slurpees from 7-11. If you’re worried I’m withering away, rest assured - the scale at Urgent Care says “contraire mon frere!”

Yesterday, I received a delivery of flowers. I have no idea who sent them. Anyone? Hello?

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