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  • Writer's picturemaggiehsmith07

Order from Disorder

I saw a meme this week that said something like, “is it anxiety or intuition?” This week, it may have been a combo of both. This happens to me - I get what feels like anxiety, only to later realize it’s intuition. I realize it because the intense anxiety wicks away like a wave leaving the shore. Maybe the news is anxiety producing - but it’s different. The anxiety has a place.

I’m fond of the Soren Kierkegaard quote, “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” I was super pissed about my bookless book event - but if I’d waited like some of my smarter writer friends (nod to Kristy), then some of the people I love the most could not have attended.

I know. This is all very vague. I’ve had to bust out my paper journal and give it a “what the fuck” workout these days.

The good news is that I finished reorganizing TWO! Rooms at home in Richmond. Andrea decided to take up permanent residence in the sunroom for her office. I miss her on the 2nd floor but 2 HR people working feet away from one another is loud and chaotic. We had put a window unit into the sun room at some point so there is AC - and heat. The heat is less critical in Richmond - and the room has a small gas fireplace. In the small room that Andrea vacated, I put much of what my pal Anne would call my “woo woo” stuff - tarot and oracle cards. The small, teal cabinet is filled with them.

Recently someone asked me if those cards really work - and I believe they do. I think the universe is always speaking to us and these cards often confirm what the universe is trying to tell us if only we would slow down and listen. Last week, in an oracle deck I particularly love, I got the card “chaos” and then “death”. Death is one of the misunderstood cards in a tarot deck. In reality, it represents a time of significant transformation, change, and transition. You need to transform yourself and clear away the old to bring in the new. Any change should be welcomed as a positive, cleansing, transformational force.

Unrelated (I promise), this week, Kindly Old Mr. Barnes shared that a former classmate, Andy, had passed away. It was one of those moments where you simultaneously feel saddened by the news and like an asshole because you hadn’t thought of the person in over 30 years. Andy had cerebral palsy so he was a noticeable figure navigating the hallways and attending classes with a woman who took notes for him. Not an easy lot - and now, he’s gone too early and I’m sad and an ass (because, as I previously wrote, 2 things can be true at the same time).

I’m a sad, grateful ass who has a small place on a river that I can retreat to with Andrea and Georgie. It’s a quiet place where the pace is downshifted a little bit more. And I’m okay with that. My soul needs that. Your soul needs it too so I hope you make time to hold space for yourself this weekend.

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