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  • Writer's picturemaggiehsmith07

Strong Enough

Last night, I slept 12-hours. Clearly, I’m still trying to overcome the sleep deficit that I dug for myself in the weeks leading up to this trip.

Towards the morning, my dreams were plagued with strangeness - some of which I remember and some of which I don’t. I try to pick up the thread of a fragment but it escapes my grasp. At one point, I was feeding Elliot (our cat who passed away this past summer) small treats and was rewarded his epic purr. At another point, I was trying to find my way to a very specific beach but couldn’t. Andrea led the way and just as I was running out of the small, dingy, beachfront room, a wave came crashing and filled the hotel room with a water. Which goes to prove that even if i think I’m managing my stress okay, I’m really not. I feel a little meh right now - and I don’t think it’s because I’m watching another goddamn football game even though our season ended weeks ago. I guess the super bowl is everyone’s game even if it isn’t your team.

Andrea, sensing my meh, asked, “Do you not want to move?” And it’s not that. I’m always up for a daring adventure. I can’t pinpoint what it is but suspect the answer lies in dealing with selling our home. Dealing with putting in an offer, or multiple offers on places. Beginning again, creating and establishing sanctuary, a new routine, order from disorder.

I owe people calls. Messages. But instead, I just want to press pause on all the other parts of my life and sort this shit out. Preferably from the fetal position. Which sounds like I’m depressed. Only, I’m not. Not really. I’m tired and all of this, the preparing our house to list, looking for a place to live in Virginia, takes a lot of headspace. Which leaves less headspace for other things which is why I just want to curl up with a cat until this blows over. If only life worked that way.

Instead, life requires us to remain upright. It builds character. Character seems vastly overrated. And frankly, I’ve had an abundance of character building opportunities throughout my life. Looks like I’m undergoing another round of character building.

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