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Writer's picturemaggiehsmith07

Turd in the Punchbowl

On my 49th birthday last September, I pulled the Tower tarot card. This is a card I’ve only pulled one time prior and it was right before I blew up my started marriage and the life I’d built.


The Tower card represents sudden change, upheaval, chaos, revelation, awakening. I’d done a three card spread and this card was in the last spot, signaling what was ahead.



The initial change was sudden - my boss gone within weeks of me pulling the card. My new boss introduced. Upheaval. Chaos.


Then, a slow burn and gradual unfolding, came the revelation and awakening. Not just one revelation but a series.


Last year, I somehow connected with a woman named Catherine Andrews (follow her on instagram) who talks a lot about emotional regulation. And then, I connected with another woman, Julie Santiago, who also talks about emotional regulation. I’m a slow learner so I think I needed both of these powerhouses to show me how to do this. I’m learning and building upon tools that have guided me through life and sobriety.


The first 4 months after my birthday felt like the Tower card looks. I attended a writing retreat in November where I cried a lot and tried to make sense of things - my boss no longer my boss (promoted to friend), & another friends shitty diagnosis. I could make sense of neither. I looked for a new job during this time and got rejections or worse - not even the opportunity to interview. I buckled in and things smoothed out a bit come late January. I loosened my white knuckle grasp and settled in a little. I resisted the hocus pocus of emotional regulation, but recently caved in an act of desperation. I tried to trust the timing of the universe.


Then in late June, I traveled to Chicago for the annual SHRM conference, immediately followed by a work trip to Kansas City, MO. By that Thursday, I was restless and tired of the travel. I got a LinkedIn message from a recruiter who was working on a VP of HR search for a role in Richmond. Here’s the thing: always agree to speak with these people, even if you’re happy. I was not - again. Or maybe still. I spoke with the recruiter within hours of my plane touching down in Richmond, and the call lasted double the allotted time. The recruiter asked if I could interview with the CEO the following Friday, July 5th. I met with the CEO and liked her even before she’d said, “This is like MapQuest - maybe you take route A and I would have taken route B, but you’re the one driving the car - as long as you reach the destination. That’s what matters.”


Perhaps I’ve been the the driver of my HR car at my current job, but I’ve had a backseat driver leaning in from the backseat, grabbing the wheel. Often, it’s too exhausting to swat the hands away and I resign myself.


The recruiter texted later that same day with good news from the CEO - she wanted to move me forward in the interview process. I agreed and the recruiter said she’d be in touch Monday. On Saturday, she texted to ask if I could interview Wednesday or Thursday of that week. I did both - meeting 4 members in a panel interview on Wednesday and a 5th Thursday morning. It was unanimous & a verbal offer was made Thursday. References were checked Friday morning and I signed the offer letter Friday night.


I resigned Monday and that went over, as my CFO once said, “like a turd in the punch bowl.” Isn’t that a mental image?


One week down, one week to go, then the new job. I’m not taking time off between because we have time off in early August.


This job will be a hybrid but I suspect I’ll be spending a lot time in the office, initially, to get to know people and the business.


Georgie has been my co-worker for the over four years I’ve worked from home. He’s settled down quite a bit in that time - I had to fire him once early on for fighting with the cat at work (even though I suspect Bogart started the fracas). Nowadays, Georgie sleeps and farts while I work. I won’t miss his vile gas but I will miss him.


I’ll miss my HR team more than my farting dog. They kept me there - anchored, laughing. I will miss the members of my Executive leadership team. I will miss many of the employees.


There will be days where I will miss wearing whatever the hell I want.


What I won’t miss is that backseat driver - grabbing the wheel. I will never miss that. I’m looking forward to reporting a woman CEO, something I haven’t done since I stumbled into HR all those years ago at Hearthstone & worked for Joan Hyde. Joan let me drive - and sometimes, I ran the car off the road but Joan never panicked or grabbed for the wheel. She let me learn and figure out how to get the car back on the road. I learned a lot from Joan. She trusted me to “throw words on paper” - advice that served me well for years. She trusted me to manage their benefits - which turned out fine although I’d never done it before. I wrote their policies. I did all the things and you know what? It worked out. I learned a lot from Joan and others could too.



The Man, by Taylor Swift


I would be complex

I would be cool

They'd say I played the field before I found someone to commit to

And that would be ok

For me to do

Every conquest I had made would make me more of a boss to you

I'd be a fearless leader

I'd be an alpha type

When everyone believes ya

What's that like?

I'm so sick of running as fast as I can

Wondering if I'd get there quicker

If I was a man

And I'm so sick of them coming at me again

'Cause if I was a man

Then I'd be the man

I'd be the man

I'd be the man

They'd say I hustled

Put in the work

They wouldn't shake their heads and question how much of this I deserve

What I was wearing

If I was rude

Could all be separated from my good ideas and power moves?

And they would toast to me, oh

Let the players play

I'd be just like Leo

In Saint-Tropez

I'm so sick of running as fast as I can

Wondering if I'd get there quicker

If I was a man

And I'm so sick of them coming at me again

'Cause if I was a man

Then I'd be the man

I'd be the man

I'd be the man

What's it like to brag about

Raking in dollars

And getting bitches and models

And it's all good if you're bad

And it's okay if you're mad

If I was out flashing my dollars

I'd be a bitch, not a baller

They paint me out to be bad

So it's okay that I'm mad

I'm so sick of running as fast as I can

Wondering if I'd get there quicker if I was a man (you know that)

And I'm so sick of them coming at me again (coming at me again)

'Cause if I was a man (if I was a man)

Then I'd be the man (then I'd be the man)

I'm so sick of running as fast as I can (as fast as I can)

Wondering if I'd get there quicker if I was a man (hey)

And I'm so sick of them coming at me again (coming at me again)

'Cause if I was a man (if I was a man), then I'd be the man

I'd be the man

I'd be the man (oh)

I'd be the man (yeah)

I'd be the man (I'd be the man)

If I was a man

Then I'd be the man



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